Caring for those that don't Care about YOU!

I'm back again and stronger than ever. No, it's not what you think. I'm not muscular or have my better half back, but spiritually I'm stronger than ever.

As you saw in my last blog, I hurt a person I care for tremendously. After I did that, I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I prayed and I felt like I knew what I needed to do.

The next day, I felt better and confronted my mom, my aunt, and friends on what I need to do. Surprisingly, Church Revivial was this week. Coincidence? No, it was all faith. Before I got to the Revivial, the day before, I was still in my depressive mood. Not killing myself mood, but beating myself up for what I did. That later turn to anger when I found out that I was deleted on Facebook and various other websites. Now, why would that get me mad?

Well, that just showed that she didn't want to be my friend no more. She knows that if she really wanted to hurt me, me having her as a friend would do it and it did. For the first time ever, I actually said I hated her and felt sick for doing so. I didn't really hate her but I hated the situation that I built.

The pastor, that served was from Jackson, MS (back home). He said a lot that hit me. One thing he said was that God is always there for you, but if you're going to keep being hard headed he's going to step back and let you do what you want to and when you mess up, he's going to be there. once you find him, you're happy that he gave you salvation but the thing is he was trying to give you salvation to begin with but you was being hard headed. THAT WAS ME!!!

He put smething great in front of me and I was hard headed about it and when it was taken away harshly, I found him. I should never have to go through that to make that big of a change. As the pastor said, you can't mature without the word. On the outside, I might look like a young men, but I'm still a child doing childish things. I have to put those things away and time for me to grow. To become the person I want to be and get to where I need to be.

SHE finally decided to talk to me today. I was surprised as hell, but happy that she finally obliged me. She told me how she felt and all I did was respect it. At this moment, I'm trying to get right with the LORD. That doesn't mean that I'm going 180 pure right wing Christian, but I will let the voice of God be heard in the things I do and how I act towards people. As expected, I knew SHE would be hard on me. I deserve it. So why doesn't it bother me? Doesn't she mean the world to you?

YES, SHE DOES!!! I LOVE HER!!! SHE said that I didn't respect her, but I actually do. I would've never took her around my mom if I didn't or my other family members. I would have never told her about my past and fears. I never would have visited her or even want to talk to her on the phone if I didn't. I wouldn't put up with the verbal abuse if I didn't respect you. The thing is, Love isn't saying it to a person. It's not going out to the parks and holding hands. That is the perks, but REAL LOVE is when you care about the soul of the person. when you want to guide them, no matter what they say, to the LORD and to HEAVEN. That's love. You can care about somebody's physical all you want, but that can take you to hell.

I asked for my forgiveness from the Almighty and her. God has already took me back and I'm ready to redeem myself in front of him. But, it is much harder for a human being too. I pray for her every night. In time, her wounds will heal, but til then I have to be strong for the both of us and lead her towards her faith and salvation. She can hate me all she wants, but I'm still going to be here for her no matter what.

In a perfect world, her and I would've got over this and be together. But, neither of us are perfect. Right now, I'm working on things to make myself a better man and it's working. I feel it in my soul. I feel it when I talk to people. I have a confidence that I never had before.

I thought about going up this weekend and visiting her to talk to her one on one in person, but I was told from someone close to her to not do that at this moment. So, I backed off, but if me going up there meant that I could get a friend back I would.

If SHE told me that if I came up, I had to handcuff myself and get beat up by her and all her friends and not do nothing about it. I WOULD! I would sacrifice myself if that meant I would get redemption from her.

At the moment, she thinks I played her, never trusted her, or respected her or even loved her. When an actually I did all those things and more. I had a plan that I had in place for her graduation and its still going.

Why?

Cause I have faith in the LORD, that she will still be in my life by then and so on. when a person makes this much impact in your life to be a better man, son, and friend, you have to hold on.

I'm holding on while you're putting up your guards to run away from me. You can run to end of this universe with a 5 month head start, but before time ends,I will be there by your side.

SMILE!

GOD BLESS