and my heart is still in the same place. The thing is, I'm okay with it. Actually, I'm pretty happy about it. There is no doubt, no what ifs, THIS IS WHAT IT IS. A lot of people wonder why I even go through it. How am I this nice guy and why do I put up with it? In all realness, I'm not really putting up with anything. I pretty much knew what I was gonna go through and there was two routes that my heart would have led me.
1) I see that it's not worth it and I go on with my life. In the end, I will still have a good friend in my corner.
or
2) Go for what my heart desires. Let time take its course and love the person who has my heart. In the end, I will still have a good friend in my corner.
I'm going with number 2. Why? Deep down in my heart, I know she still loves me. Deep deep deep down, she wants to give "US" a chance. The thing is, I know that she has her doubts but along with that she has her outside influences working on her. But let me speak on how I know the feelings are still there:
There is a lot of things I can pick at, but I break down a few.
A) Communication: Her and I went from me reaching out to straight silent. Then, she opened up about how she felt about what happened and the week following we were talking heavily. During this heavily talking period, we talked hours on end. You would've thought we were together with the heavy talking that we were doing. Plus out of all our phone convos, I called twice. She reached out when she didn't have to and that means the world to me. Monday was a deep convo (you know whenever you have late night calls, it is always gonna be deep and emotional) and we talked about it. Her motto from that convo was "I don't know and I don't care." Which is really an emotional cop out:
"I don't know" is really saying that you do know. You're in emotional conflict. Love vs. rationality. Rationality tries to make sense of everything and put it in an certain context. Love escapes those boundaries and once you get it, it's a weird feeling. The reason why is because you don't understand how you could feel this way due to "this." I had to go through the same thing. I love you in the relationship but you never know how strong your love is til it is tested. If I didn't I would be okay and not have my heart as my daily reminder of where I want to be. Some times you have to let go and follow your heart. It's when you do that when things fall in place.
"I don't care" is basically saying that the feelings you have for me are true but you are willing to ignore them. Why? What will doing that accomplish? Ignorance can sometimes be bliss but not when your heart is in it. Being ignorant to yourself and feelings is the most dishonest thing you can ever do. That's like knowing you have cancer but ignoring it hoping it will go away. You be better getting help and getting better. In this, you be better doing what your heart says and being happy.
B) Subtleness. It's the lil things. The calls, what are convos are about (usually us), and just the comfort we have. Also the Freudian slips of "sweetie" and "babe" is never bad. :-)
C) The Real YOU. she has two sides. i dont know how you're a Taurus. i would understand this more if she was a damn Gemini. The first side is the "in the crowd-loud-pride-ego-you can't tell me anything-cold' side. That's the facade she puts up when she's in the public. That is the one with defense mechanism and will give ya bs excuses to hurt ya so you'll leave her alone. And the thing is, you feel that if she hurt me, i would leave her alone and it would allow her to move on. Which is far from true. Why? The other side is the 'shy-open-soft spoken-deep-unsure' person. That's the side i knew when we were alone. I know that side and that's the side I love. I'm willing to go through this because I know that side of you. I know what lies in your heart for the both us and that's how I know we can make this work.
In the end, when we look back the one thing we didn't do was: TRY! When we did, we were both somewhere else. Let's go for it. Let's do something we haven't and TRY! Not you TRY, not me TRY! Us, TRY!
No comments:
Post a Comment