Caring for those that don't Care about YOU!

I'm back again and stronger than ever. No, it's not what you think. I'm not muscular or have my better half back, but spiritually I'm stronger than ever.

As you saw in my last blog, I hurt a person I care for tremendously. After I did that, I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I prayed and I felt like I knew what I needed to do.

The next day, I felt better and confronted my mom, my aunt, and friends on what I need to do. Surprisingly, Church Revivial was this week. Coincidence? No, it was all faith. Before I got to the Revivial, the day before, I was still in my depressive mood. Not killing myself mood, but beating myself up for what I did. That later turn to anger when I found out that I was deleted on Facebook and various other websites. Now, why would that get me mad?

Well, that just showed that she didn't want to be my friend no more. She knows that if she really wanted to hurt me, me having her as a friend would do it and it did. For the first time ever, I actually said I hated her and felt sick for doing so. I didn't really hate her but I hated the situation that I built.

The pastor, that served was from Jackson, MS (back home). He said a lot that hit me. One thing he said was that God is always there for you, but if you're going to keep being hard headed he's going to step back and let you do what you want to and when you mess up, he's going to be there. once you find him, you're happy that he gave you salvation but the thing is he was trying to give you salvation to begin with but you was being hard headed. THAT WAS ME!!!

He put smething great in front of me and I was hard headed about it and when it was taken away harshly, I found him. I should never have to go through that to make that big of a change. As the pastor said, you can't mature without the word. On the outside, I might look like a young men, but I'm still a child doing childish things. I have to put those things away and time for me to grow. To become the person I want to be and get to where I need to be.

SHE finally decided to talk to me today. I was surprised as hell, but happy that she finally obliged me. She told me how she felt and all I did was respect it. At this moment, I'm trying to get right with the LORD. That doesn't mean that I'm going 180 pure right wing Christian, but I will let the voice of God be heard in the things I do and how I act towards people. As expected, I knew SHE would be hard on me. I deserve it. So why doesn't it bother me? Doesn't she mean the world to you?

YES, SHE DOES!!! I LOVE HER!!! SHE said that I didn't respect her, but I actually do. I would've never took her around my mom if I didn't or my other family members. I would have never told her about my past and fears. I never would have visited her or even want to talk to her on the phone if I didn't. I wouldn't put up with the verbal abuse if I didn't respect you. The thing is, Love isn't saying it to a person. It's not going out to the parks and holding hands. That is the perks, but REAL LOVE is when you care about the soul of the person. when you want to guide them, no matter what they say, to the LORD and to HEAVEN. That's love. You can care about somebody's physical all you want, but that can take you to hell.

I asked for my forgiveness from the Almighty and her. God has already took me back and I'm ready to redeem myself in front of him. But, it is much harder for a human being too. I pray for her every night. In time, her wounds will heal, but til then I have to be strong for the both of us and lead her towards her faith and salvation. She can hate me all she wants, but I'm still going to be here for her no matter what.

In a perfect world, her and I would've got over this and be together. But, neither of us are perfect. Right now, I'm working on things to make myself a better man and it's working. I feel it in my soul. I feel it when I talk to people. I have a confidence that I never had before.

I thought about going up this weekend and visiting her to talk to her one on one in person, but I was told from someone close to her to not do that at this moment. So, I backed off, but if me going up there meant that I could get a friend back I would.

If SHE told me that if I came up, I had to handcuff myself and get beat up by her and all her friends and not do nothing about it. I WOULD! I would sacrifice myself if that meant I would get redemption from her.

At the moment, she thinks I played her, never trusted her, or respected her or even loved her. When an actually I did all those things and more. I had a plan that I had in place for her graduation and its still going.

Why?

Cause I have faith in the LORD, that she will still be in my life by then and so on. when a person makes this much impact in your life to be a better man, son, and friend, you have to hold on.

I'm holding on while you're putting up your guards to run away from me. You can run to end of this universe with a 5 month head start, but before time ends,I will be there by your side.

SMILE!

GOD BLESS

The End

This is me at my most humbleness. I can no longer continue this cycle of being self destructive. I can no longer do it. Every time I get some thing great handed to me,I fuck it up. The reason why? There is no reason. I do it and don't think about it and at the end I feel worthless. What I did was not worth it. I fucked up something good for something that didn't mean anything. You see the sense that makes. NONE!!!

This weekend was one of the greatest weekends I ever experienced. The week before I fought and put myself out there for this weekend to happen and it did. It was more than I expected and I will never take any of it back.

Today was the end of that good life. Earlier today, J left and she left me in a certain mood. I was alone and I decided to hit someone up. when I did I told them my mood and proceeded to talk about sexual things on J's computer to this person. The thing is, I didn't mean any of it. J secured me before and let me know I had nowhere else to go or look. Why did I do it? I did so I could get over the mood, but I end up hurting one of the people that cares for me with their heart and soul.

What I did was despicable! I could've told her in the car and I wanted to, but I was scared that she look at me different and now look: SHE DOES!!! My emotions have been everywhere.

I thought about ending it all. I had the belt and I knew where to go, but I didn't. I didn't want to hurt my family, friends, and I didn't want to put that on her. I know I have a problem because every time I get happiness, I fuck it up. I've been crying ever since. I know that I fucked it up beyond recognition now. I thought about just going in the car and driving. No destination just leave or checking myself in to a mental hospital. I need to know what's wrong with me before I can go on.

I don't know what to do. I love her but I can't keep hurting. I want to be with her, but maybe I should let her go. Tonight, I've pour my soul out to my closest friends and they told me that "I made a mistake" and that "even though she's hurt that if she loves me, we will work it out and it will work in the end." I want to believe that so much but how many chances can I get?

I KNOW I WANT TO BE WITH HER!

I just have to change before she can consider that. I have to show her. My words are no longer cutting it. How can she be with someone that if she leaves them for two hours, they do something like that? How? I don't know, but I hope she forgives me.

She means the world to me. Each day I'm with her I'm learning something new and something about me.I'm making my change now. I never did anything with this person and blocking them on AIM is not going to be a big enough change.

Next time real love knocks on my door. I'm gonna take it no matter what. I don't want to be lonely like my family. I want my wife and my kids, but I'll never get there if i'm like this.

I have to end this cycle of self destruction. this is the end. I never knew how much I cared for her til now and it's a little too late. I'm not going to give up, but I have to give her time.

I have to change and being this honest is helping. I just have more work to do.

I dont want to cry no more.

Update: 1:05 AM

I was tired of crying and I was about to head for bed. I did something I haven't done in awhile and that's prayed. I prayed that God will make things back to what they use to be and to help change me and show me what I have to do, and I know what it is now:

CELIBACY!

Ever since I've opened the Pandora's Box of sex, my love life has been horrible. Lust is what got me in this mess. I fed my sexual mentality by doing that. It might seem harmful to others to just talk about sex, but when you're doing it with someone other than the person you love, you are crossing the line.

I crossed that line. I can no longer be that guy. I have to have faith in myself and no that I can go a whole day with self-gratifying myself. I can spend time with a person I care about without doing something.

Until I meet Mrs. Right/My Wife, I'm saving myself til then. Sex got me in this and taking it out of the equation of my life will get me out and make me a better person.

Thank you God for the help and thanks to all the people I talked to. you helped me see a light I didn't see before.

Cuss Words: The Beauty and Affect of Them

Curse words. They seem to be the most effective way to show how you feel, in my personal opinion. I am an avid curser since I've been raised around it, from family members to music and television. When I usually cuss, I never really have any malice behind it. The use of it is to explain something and give it more depth, but some people get offended by it. I love to cuss, not just cause (I don't do it just to do it), but to get a point across. That is what speech is about. Even though I love it: The thing is, there is a good and bad casual sequence associated with it.

First of all, I will like to say it is not against the Bible to say, what we deem as curse words a sin. It is not a Biblical sin, but more of a social taboo. I have yet to read a chapter, which says that "fuck, bitch, ass milk" or any other connotation considered dirty as a sin.There are curse words in the Bible, but the follow the actual "definition"of curse (we'll get in to that later). If the word "the" was considered to be in the category as such words, we would deem it as bad either, even though it is really harmless.

Or is it?

Although it might be meant in a harmless way when saying it, scientifically the brain has a different view on it. Taboo words activate brains area with a negative emotion. Just by hearing a negative word, the right hemisphere of the brain is activated.

The basal ganglia is where motor control, cognition, but most importantly where emotion is made. Every time a cuss word is said or written, a negative emotion is automatically processed involuntarily. A clear case of this is the STROOP TEST.

Demonstration
Say the color of these words as fast as you can:

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Green Red Blue

Yellow Blue Yellow

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Fuck Cunt Shit

Ass Bitch Dick

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According to the Stroop effect, the first set of colors would have had a faster reaction time.

In the demonstration, you should have been able to do the first part without a hitch. Just saying them and knocking them out like nothing. Once you get to the second part, you'll notice you register them a little slower than before. Why is that? It is the involuntary negativity you get from seeing words like that, that bothers you. All words have affect people, but cuss words do it the most. There is a reason behind why people do it and it is not always negative.

Forms of Cussing
1. Supernatural - damn, hell, Jesus Christ
2. Bodily Effigies and Organs - ass, dick, asshole
3. Disease, death - "I curse a pox on you"
4. Sexuality revulsion - fucking, dick
5.Disfavored people and groups - nigger, kike, spic

How We Swear
1. Dysphemistic Swearing
2. Abusive Swearing - to intimidate or humiliate someone

There is a lot of ingenuity of abusive swearing. A person tries their hardest to come up with some of the most disturbing things to hurt the other person. Most of the time, it is accusing the other person of undignified sexual activities. An MRI study is shows that a lot of brown power goes in to swearing.

Why do people try to evoke negative emotion in listeners?

• Dysphemistic Swearing - shit---> feces, fuck-->copulate - all synonyms but the cuss word is used to show how awful it is.
• Euphemism - this is when you feel that you have to talk about it even when you don't.
• Dis-euphemism - This is the many variations to say one word and you use the least awful to get your point across. A prime example is that there are 34 euphemisms for the word feces. All range from generic, formed with children, medical, animals, agriculture. These are needed because you never want a doctor to ask you for a "doo doo" sample or that your playground your kids are playing on is full of shit. The need for dis-euphemisms: "Will you pick your dog shit up?"It lets the receiver know how mad you are.
• Incest - Motherfucker
• Sodomy - bugger, fellatio, masturbation
• Bestiality - This is a quote that originated from 1585: "Kiss the cunt of a cow!" Now that is what I called alliteration and GRADE Acussing right there.
• Idiomatic - Shit out of Luck, Piss poor
• Inviscid Swearing - "Look at him! He thinks he's Michael Fucking Jordan or something!"
  

I use this form of cussing the most. Saying things like it's fucking brilliant or that's fucking great falls in that category. Although, I don't see the harm in it, somebody else might.

• Fuck Patois - Example: "I come home to my fucking house after three fucking years in the fucking war and what do I fucking well find, my wife engage in illicit sexual activities.
• Cathartic Swearing - This is the most conventional swearing. Most people do this after hurting themselves.
• Rage Circuit Theory: If you ever stepped on a tail of a cat, the first thing they do is hiss or growl at you. This is basically telling you to step the fuck back from the cat. If someone hits you or a person cuts you off when not turning on the turn signal, your rage circuit could be ignited and start this.
• Response Cry Theory - Communication that informs bystanders on what you are going through.

And the main reason people cuss:
To impose their thoughts on others. Doing this allows the person to gain the other person's attention, intimidate, humiliate them, amongst other things.

CONCLUSION

At the end of the day, there is no way that cussing will not be able negatively affect someone. Even if you mean no harm by it, the brain is already against you. You have to take in consideration on how the person feels. they also should know how you act and what you find as normal dialect between you. The biggest thing that divides people is miscommunication. By talking, problems such as cuss words will not be that: A PROBLEM.