The End

This is me at my most humbleness. I can no longer continue this cycle of being self destructive. I can no longer do it. Every time I get some thing great handed to me,I fuck it up. The reason why? There is no reason. I do it and don't think about it and at the end I feel worthless. What I did was not worth it. I fucked up something good for something that didn't mean anything. You see the sense that makes. NONE!!!

This weekend was one of the greatest weekends I ever experienced. The week before I fought and put myself out there for this weekend to happen and it did. It was more than I expected and I will never take any of it back.

Today was the end of that good life. Earlier today, J left and she left me in a certain mood. I was alone and I decided to hit someone up. when I did I told them my mood and proceeded to talk about sexual things on J's computer to this person. The thing is, I didn't mean any of it. J secured me before and let me know I had nowhere else to go or look. Why did I do it? I did so I could get over the mood, but I end up hurting one of the people that cares for me with their heart and soul.

What I did was despicable! I could've told her in the car and I wanted to, but I was scared that she look at me different and now look: SHE DOES!!! My emotions have been everywhere.

I thought about ending it all. I had the belt and I knew where to go, but I didn't. I didn't want to hurt my family, friends, and I didn't want to put that on her. I know I have a problem because every time I get happiness, I fuck it up. I've been crying ever since. I know that I fucked it up beyond recognition now. I thought about just going in the car and driving. No destination just leave or checking myself in to a mental hospital. I need to know what's wrong with me before I can go on.

I don't know what to do. I love her but I can't keep hurting. I want to be with her, but maybe I should let her go. Tonight, I've pour my soul out to my closest friends and they told me that "I made a mistake" and that "even though she's hurt that if she loves me, we will work it out and it will work in the end." I want to believe that so much but how many chances can I get?

I KNOW I WANT TO BE WITH HER!

I just have to change before she can consider that. I have to show her. My words are no longer cutting it. How can she be with someone that if she leaves them for two hours, they do something like that? How? I don't know, but I hope she forgives me.

She means the world to me. Each day I'm with her I'm learning something new and something about me.I'm making my change now. I never did anything with this person and blocking them on AIM is not going to be a big enough change.

Next time real love knocks on my door. I'm gonna take it no matter what. I don't want to be lonely like my family. I want my wife and my kids, but I'll never get there if i'm like this.

I have to end this cycle of self destruction. this is the end. I never knew how much I cared for her til now and it's a little too late. I'm not going to give up, but I have to give her time.

I have to change and being this honest is helping. I just have more work to do.

I dont want to cry no more.

Update: 1:05 AM

I was tired of crying and I was about to head for bed. I did something I haven't done in awhile and that's prayed. I prayed that God will make things back to what they use to be and to help change me and show me what I have to do, and I know what it is now:

CELIBACY!

Ever since I've opened the Pandora's Box of sex, my love life has been horrible. Lust is what got me in this mess. I fed my sexual mentality by doing that. It might seem harmful to others to just talk about sex, but when you're doing it with someone other than the person you love, you are crossing the line.

I crossed that line. I can no longer be that guy. I have to have faith in myself and no that I can go a whole day with self-gratifying myself. I can spend time with a person I care about without doing something.

Until I meet Mrs. Right/My Wife, I'm saving myself til then. Sex got me in this and taking it out of the equation of my life will get me out and make me a better person.

Thank you God for the help and thanks to all the people I talked to. you helped me see a light I didn't see before.